That’s the overwhelming sentiment for me this week: You know I get sad! Nothing feels important enough to topple that as the lede. The Uvalde shooting coming so soon after the Buffalo shooting. It all just really sucks and makes me really sad!
I only have like four half-funny, semi-pithy jokes to make this week, but I will make them all with you here.
What Paying Subscribers Got This Week
Hundreds of people — okay like a half-dozen — begged (simply asked) me to break my silence on the Bulgari ad starring Anne Hathaway, Zendaya, and Anne Hathaway’s dancing. I obliged.
Well! It Certainly Is A Dress
Nothing on Planet Her would ever possess me to date a celebrity (He knows this doesn’t apply to him). It just seems like the most thankless, stressful job: getting shoved aside at events, walking two steps behind on red carpets, pretending to love every single thing he makes, even if that thing was Nocturnal Animals …
The only thing I can say about this Loewe dress is that it … is a dress! That is true. If you look up dress in the dictionary, there will be a silhouette resembling this! This has been a Cannes of great looks; This Cannes, in particular, feels like the first carpet of the year that really anyone can walk which has mostly made for some fun fashion moments (I mean why is Sharon Stone there? I love her, but really. She is just there to eat and leave no crumbs! Why is Lori Harvey there? Except to do absolutely nothing.)
Cannes is my favorite fest to watch from afar. (Maybe because it’s always the year’s first glamorous festival?) TIFF is where every Oscar contender premieres, Telluride is where every should-be Oscar winner premieres. NYFF is where I have the highest chance of partying with someone I have a crush on (or running into Darren Aronofsky!). Cannes and Venice are all splashy with drama: Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga laying it on thick (Venice), Thierry Frémaux fussing with Ted Sarandos (Cannes), Bennifer made their most glamorous appearance (Venice).
Haim x Drake
Are all three Haim sisters, at present, single? I got that vibe from their concerts, and creating solo IG accounts is always a good indicator. And now, a photo with Drake and his little cornrows? I’m sorry: get a job! Stay away from them! I’m not suggesting that anyone’s dating only that Drake can smell a successful single woman’s hoe phase! It’s uncanny.
I’m not sure what I would want out of a Haim x Drake collaboration, but I’m interested in hearing ideas. “3 AM” is really the thinking woman’s “Hotline Bling.” And by “thinking woman” I mean extremely online.
Where Is Austin Butler From?
I honestly have not thought about Austin Butler since he was just Vanessa Hudgens’ boyfriend, and had some vague idea he was Australian (or an idea he was vaguely Australian). When I scrolled past this video he did for GQ, I was shocked:
He sounds like a Friday Night Lights boy! Like a Linklater lead! He sounds like Jackson Maine! (If I were Garrett Hedlund I’d be locking my deep drawl in Ursula’s necklace for safekeeping.) Only to google this boy and find:
Girl. Please! He should sound like a Haim! Not like he just came in from the farm! Anyway: excited to see the shitshow that is Elvis, as someone who has never cared about him and doesn’t know anything about him.
And Speaking of
White men in Hollywood: I am happy for the supreme to return. Even if it is in one of those too-long, somehow overly simplistic but entirely incomprehensible CBS procedurals the Russo brothers make.
The trailer for The Gray Man was released this week, starring Gosling, Chris Evans, and Ana de Armas. I have been waiting for Ryan Gosling to finish paternity leave. The other boys don’t have his range!
Why Joe Budden is the Person Conducting This Interview is Beyond Me
In the first interview conducted after a sex tape of him was leaked online, the rapper Isaiah Rashad told Joe Budden he considers himself to be sexually fluid. “I’m still learning about it myself,” said the rapper. “I’m putting my head in the books to find out the basics of it, but basically, like, I’m not in full control of, when I walk into a room, of who I’m attracted to.”
Budden is part of rap’s establishment media. He is also a devout knucklehead — like he is devoted to being, at every opportunity, a knucklehead. Joe Rogan for the Complex set. (He’s also been accused of physically abusing several ex-partners.) It’s just another maddening example that the loudest establishment voices covering rap are … Joe Budden, Charlamagne, and Ebro in the Morning. A real murder’s row of headassery.
The Departed (2006)
One perfect shot, or whatever.
That’s My Emotional Support Divorce Attorney
Really, really sad about Ray Liotta’s death. Just a bummer ending to a terrible week. I wrote about how good he was in Marriage Story here:
The Bless His Heart Beat
I have scrolled past this courtroom sketch dozens of times (twice) and every single time, I’ve thought it was Leonardo DiCaprio. Says more about him than it does me!
That’s all this week! Thank you for reading. This weekend I will be watching … My Best Friend’s Wedding! No, like, literally: my best friend is getting married. And also probably The Staircase documentary.
ryan gosling hive rise 🫡
Austin Butler is one "y'all" away from saying his favorite food is biscuits and gravy. Is he gonna keep this up until awards season? God help us...