Free Us
The Friday Post.
This is The Friday Post, Hung Up’s weekly roundup of celebrity mess and miscellanea. If you like this kind of thing, why not subscribe?
A plea to anyone, anywhere: Someone’s gotta fuck this boy. I’m sorry to be indelicate, frank, impolite — but I’m serious. Someone, and I mean quickly, has got to fuck this boy. I’ve had enough. I can’t take it anymore. Someone has to message him back on Raya, like him back on Bumble, at the very least swindle him on Tinder. If you are a consenting adult of legal age and you see Charlie Puth and he is consenting and you are consenting, please, like, put us all out of our misery.
“Will Somebody Please Break Charlie Puth’s Heart?” I asked in December 2019. My plea has only become more desperate: Can somebody please just get this boy laid? Charlie Puth is always in rollout mode, always about to release something — and I really love his music, so I wish he would! — but this, I’m sorry, I can’t do it anymore:
Perfect pitch wizardry has not worked for Puth — knowing that a bird is chirping a C-flat has only taken him so far. Making perfect music with nasty bass has not really worked either. (But for me! It’s worked for me.) Neither has working to bring Katy Perry back to … the middle of the charts. (I say that with love. She’s had all the numbers, honey.)
So now Puth is … horny … for nothing specifically but everything, anything, writ large. (“No one listening to his music so he has to create his own gay allegations.”) I will awoo👀ooga eyes Adam Driver’s Burberry ad like the next prestige director, but my God. Suddenly I’m carceral. Suddenly I’m sex-negative. Where is the sex robot? Enough is enough!
Please, please, please this is like hearing about the sex life of my landlord. Which is, honestly, more traumatizing than someone in my own family. Also losing your virginity in Boston — what a self-drag to just offer up.
Between all this and the pick me anthem (“That’s Hilarious,” and no I’m not linking because that song is not good) … I am on the brink of un-stanning.
What Paying Subscribers Got This Week
I am obsessed with the tale of two Bernstein biopics: the one Jake Gyllenhaal wanted to make with Cary Fukunaga, and the one Bradley Cooper is making, with Martin Scorsese and Steven Spielberg producing.
You can read about it all, and Bradley Cooper’s tethered’s botched pitch, here.
News Briefs
Margaret Qualley and Jack Antonoff are engaged.
Couples Therapy star Dr. Orna loves Annette Bening’s voice as much as I do.
Louis C.K. made another movie.
A leo gets a bad manicure in honor of another leo.
The Platinum Jubilee is Something That is Happening
I do not care about monarchy outside of Genovia, but: you have to see this man.
How is this one more casket-ready than the last one?
Hmm…
Sarah Jessica Parker broke her silence on her non-friendship with Kim Cattrall, and Samantha’s absence from And Just Like That. It’s really not that different from what Cattrall has said (that she wasn’t asked to be part of AJLT) or what SJP has said for years (that she was disappointed to not make SATC3 and that she and Cattrall, specifically, have not had a feud).
Idk, you can read it if you want. I don’t know that anyone is really right or really wrong? All I know is that I have a big Samantha-talking-about-funkiest-tasting-spunk-sized hole in my heart.
The Slap Day 81390289
On Wednesday’s episode of Red Table Talk, Jada Pinkett Smith broke her silence on The Slap: The episode covered alopecia, and featured people who live with the condition and a physician explaining it. “Now, about Oscar night, my deepest hope is that these two intelligent, capable men have an opportunity to heal, talk this out, and reconcile,” Pinkett Smith said. “The state of the world today, we need them both, and we all actually need one another more than ever. Until then, Will and I are continuing to do what we have done for the last 28 years, and that’s keep figuring out this thing called life together.”
Previously, Pinkett Smith shared a very Pinterest-y graphic on her IG story that read “This is a season for healing and I’m here for it.”
On Thursday’s episode of Wendy, Vivica Fox, who has worked with both Smiths, chided Pinkett Smith for “seeming self-righteous” and not taking accountability. “I have love for the Smiths. I know their children. I’ve watched them grow up,” Fox said. “I just wish we could have just a little more accountability and for it to not seem so self-righteous on Jada’s part and that’s my feelings.”
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CeUMEx9hDRf/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y%3D
Take accountability for … what exactly? An action she watched along with everyone else. Again, sorry, I don’t like this narrative that JPS sent her husband to do anything, or that she has sole control of this situation.
She Ate Me Up, Why Lie?
Unfortunately in my IG roundup of Molly’s wedding I forgot about her asking me to give a toast:
That’s all this weekend. Thank you for reading. Tonight I’m watching Fire Island!
One of your best yet, Ms. Harris!!
“I do not care about monarchy outside of Genovia” *chef’s kiss.* The fact that man is able to look more morgue chic than the Queen (who some conspiracists say...is no longer with us so idk who this woman is) is incredible!