It’s Come To My Attention That Drake’s House Is Very Ugly

But what else would you expect?

Drake alone in his ugly house. Photo: Screenshot.

The last time I wrote about Drake at length in this newsletter, it was upon the release of “For All The Dogs.” That album was exhausting and tedious, empty denunciations and shallow threats. (What’s the worst thing Drake can do to me, really? Threaten to buy me a Birkin and then bail at the last minute? Complain about me over a piano interlude?) “It’s weighin’ heavy on my moral scale / Knowin’ they gon’ sell another citizen ‘caine, they think they Orson Welles,” Drake raps on ‘8AM in Charlotte,’” I wrote. “That, to me, is the most evocative image of ‘For All The Dogs,’ Drake, lonely and embittered, wandering around his Xanadu, making a case that he deserves everything to no one in particular.”

“For All The Dogs” wasn’t very good, and Drake’s fortunes would only get worse. His critics unionized but this time, because those critics were all men, Drake finally paid attention. Kendrick Lamar, Future, Metro Boomin’, ASAP Rocky — these were the four hardheads of Drake’s apocalypse. And God has sent a plague to his house: the city of Toronto flooded last week and Drake’s bathroom was left underwater. 

My first thought was that Kendrick was in cahoots with Drake’s plumbing. My second thought was that Kendrick was in cahoots with Drake’s decorator. But this is certainly a forced error. All that glass, all those mirrors, that light fixture, the weird negative space between those benches. I know the lobby bathroom of St. Louis’s finest Westin when I see it.