Gwyn Gwon
For some reason this week, the iconic Natalie Portman Sony hack email crossed my mind: “How did I get on this list? Also Ryan Seacrest?” Anyway! This is The Friday Post.
The Pal-ican Brief. A Few Goop Men. Eyer Liar. Beyond A Reasonable Clout! A Salt Lake City jury found Gwyneth Paltrow not responsible for a 2016 ski collision with a fame-hungry retired optometrist named Terry Sanderson. “A jury awarded Paltrow $1 — a symbolic amount she asked for in order to show it wasn’t about money — and delivered her the vindication she sought when she opted to take it to trial rather than settle out of court,” the Associated Press reported Thursday. Paltrow posted a statement to her IG stories shortly after the verdict, saying she felt that “acquiescing to a false claim compromised my integrity.”
The trial, which lasted for two weeks, was Sunday night prestige TV-levels of white people fussing. Paltrow bemoaned losing half a day of skiing. A witness said that Sanderson’s quality of life — including enjoying wine tastings — never recovered. (Sanderson did however send his daughters an email with the subject line “I’m famous…” after he figured out who the other person was in the collision.)
Televised trials will be the end of civilization as we know it — we are one mobilized army of citizen sleuths away from total collapse) — but, whatever. This is the Mare of Easttown-Big Little Lies Gwyneth Paltrow prestige television show we will never get because Paltrow never acts anymore. I kind of get it: being GP is so continuously amusing, I can’t imagine why she’d want to waste one single second being anyone else. Plus, she already has an Oscar.
For fun, though, an impromptu fan cast:
Terry Sanderson’s attorney Kristin VanOrman - Jodie Foster
GP attorney Stephen Owens - Chris Cooper
GP’s other attorney, “Law Daddy” James Egan - Vincent Piazza
Terry Sanderson - David Costabile
Gwyneth Paltrow - Nicole Kidman
What the Paid List Got This Week
Making my debut as a Rhode Skin warrior … a random neck pillow that’s insta-relaxing … smoothest skin courtesy of Sofie Pavitt’s mandelic acid … some good shopping recs if I do say so myself!
You can read here and subscribe here. And!!! There’s plenty of Love Is Blind chatter for the full list on the Substack app, plus a Succession chat for the paid list :)
What is Going On With Jonathan Majors?
What is the opposite of damage control? Damage multiplication, damage amplification even? That’s the only thing on my mind as I’m reading more and more about the Jonathan Majors news.
Last Saturday, Majors was arrested in New York City on charges of strangulation, assault and harassment. “A preliminary investigation determined that a 33-year-old male was involved in a domestic dispute with a 30 year-old female,” police said, per Variety. “The victim informed police she was assaulted. Officers placed the 33-year-old male into custody without incident. The victim sustained minor injuries to her head and neck and was removed to an area hospital in stable condition.”
Immediately following Majors’ arrest, his publicist released a statement: “He has done nothing wrong,” Majors’ spokesperson said in a statement to Variety. “We look forward to clearing his name and clearing this up.” Off top, sorry, this statement reads as so blasé to me. “We look forward to clearing this up,” just sounds so unserious. That’s what Housewives say when they get caught in a lie. It does not sound like a serious response to a serious allegation.
But speaking of Housewives: Majors hired Priya Chaudhry as his attorney, who previously represented former RHOSLC cast member Jen Shah. (In January, according to TMZ, Shah was sentenced to six and a half years in prison for committing wire fraud.) Later, Chaudhry said that her client is “provably the victim of an altercation,” — that’s the first red flag, because the line between provably and probably is just too narrow
, and you know people on the internet do not read — and said video exists of the altercation that will exonerate Majors.But on Thursday, Chaudhry gave TMZ text messages she says were exchanged between Majors and the woman who reported him:
I’m not inclined to believe an attorney with a direct line to TMZ, considering they carry water for whoever is bigger business. (I’m also skeptical that these messages are … real? That Majors’ replies weren’t deleted?) But these If I Did It-ass do not help his case like?? And flaunting a video that you don’t release doesn’t look good.
Majors’ star is, generally, on the rise: He starred in the buzzy Sundance movie Magazine Dreams. His Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania character is the MCU’s big bad. Through it all, he’s seemed emotional and thoughtful (and deeply cornball
) in interviews. This is a major story, but so far Marvel hasn’t commented.
The Supreme Housewives Return
And Kim Zolciak-Biermann rises from the dead. 5′ 3″-ass Kandi threatening to headbutt someone. Kenya Moore dating again — dear Jesus! The trailer for RHOA season 15 was released:
This is my favorite Housewives franchise-slash-the only one I have watched in full. Despite the untimely cancellation of Kandi and the Gang,
I will be tuning in.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Simona Tabasco Caught Breathing in the Same Room
But this Page Six headline makes it sound like they went to this event together:
DiCaprio is an investor in the eco car company. Tabasco “seemingly enjoyed the performance by singer James Blake,” lol.
Due Diligence
The new Scorsese movie, Killers of the Flower Moon, releases October 2023. (Osage News)
Allie Jones puts Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom on Divorce Watch. (Gossip Time)
Getting the gang back together again: Colm Tóibín has written a sequel to Brooklyn, the beloved book/source material for the absolutely iconic Sir Shaw Ronan movie. (Irish Times)
Loved this line from Sarah Hagi in the Guardian, on digital memories: “I was the only historian of our short-lived universe and now it was lost forever”
Halle Bailey and her boyfriend DDG were on vacation in Jamaica this week, according to my dad and his GF, who ran into them lol.
I always forget to share these things, but I was a guest on the podcast “Back Issue,” discussing the number one problem in Hollywood (big veneers).
Earlier this month I was a guest on the Girls podcast “Girls Room,” talking about the greatest half hour in television history: “Beach House.”
That’s all this week! I personally will be spending this weekend listening to the new Boygenius, new Lana
, and new Tyler. Have a good weekend, and I'll be in your inboxes Sunday with the Succession Power Rankings!I’ll leave you with this, lol:
And because it wouldn’t be a Sunday night HBO drama without them: PJ Byrne and Shea Whigham show up for some reason.
Carrying a mug around is nasty to me, sorry.
My January 6th
🎵 Hands on your knees, I'm Angelina Jolie 🎵
Thinking of Nicole Kidman playing Gwyneth Paltrow SENDS me
That “Let’s go Mets” is gonna haunt me until the day I die.