Approximately 44 seconds into the trailer for Wonka, the Willy Wonka prequel starring Timothée Chalamet — a real movie, mind you, and not a joke from The Other Two — I frowned. Movies are dead, movies are over, we are, in real time, witnessing the eradication of movies, I thought. Between this and the Mattel story … what a shame that there just aren’t movies anymore! God smote the Barbenheimer memes with the SAG-AFTRA strike, but it was not enough to keep Wonka locked away in David Zaslav’s (Bob Evans cosplay, mind you) mansion. Many things over many years — hundreds of glitches in millions of multiverses, including but not limited to the “Karma” remix — had to go wrong for Timothée Chalamet to put on a top hat and ask someone “How do you like [chocolate]? Dark? White? Nutty? Absolutely insane?” in the key of uwu, the online girlie catnip.
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