I Have Many Opinions But Only One Rule

Breaking my silence.

This is really how I look scrolling through some of these proposal photos sometimes. Photo: Screenshot.

I am not married, nor am I in any danger of getting married, nor has anyone ever asked me to marry them. I watched Runaway Bride too many times too early for the wedding industrial complex to have any effect on me; my primary childhood fantasy was to be Patti LaBelle when I grew up. But I am a modern woman™ with access to Instagram so: I see a lot of proposals and engagement announcements.

The staged carousel of the question being popped, the dog or cat in a tuxedo, the dutiful reposts of announcement congratulations via IG story, sometimes the ugly cries posted only to close friends — it’s all drama, pomp, circumstance! The idea of getting married seems like a total drag. But engagements are all anticipation, excitement, the idea of planning forever, without the actual fussing with vendors, making seating arrangements, finding a couch that satisfies us both planning for forever. (“F…