Ursher baby … Miles Teller’s grandmother … something for my Successionistas … Disney drama … The Friday Post, Hung Up’s weekly roundup of celebrity mess and miscellanea. If you like this kind of thing, why not subscribe?
The American dollar, if I guess everyone is to be believed, is on the brink of a recession. I checked the balance of my Ushbucks however and: my cup runneth over!
Usher Raymond IV showed up to the NPR offices for a Tiny Desk on Thursday. All I can say is Amen! No one can out-Usher Usher. The limit to Usher’s Usher-ness. A vocalist! A performer! A connoisseur of his own currency! This is for grown and sexy people only — if you are not grown and sexy skip down right now!! — watch Usher’s Tiny Desk. Y’all played in his face saying JT could take him on in a Verzuz … and Usher had to play in your face right back! It’s 7 o'clock on the dot and no one is thinking about that Sears ad of a man.
(Usher also released “Good Love” with City Girls. The song is not as fun as the video, but I have enjoyed watching the video approximately 1.5 times today!)
What Paying Subscribers Got This Week
Where to begin: Halsey accidentally calling for another 9/11 … Martha Stewart telling GP to get out of the kitchen … “The Andrew Lloyd Webber Memorial Pool” … Channing Tatum’s “HAHAHAHAHAs” … Gwenyth Paltrow stealing the script for Shakespeare in Love … a lot was talked about …
You can read here and subscribe here.
News Briefs
R. Kelly has been sentenced to 30 years in prison; Ghislaine Maxwell has been sentenced to 20 years in prison.
Bill Hader and my birthday twin, the Scrappy Little Nobody Anna Kendrick have broken up. (ET)
One thing about Michael Douglas — he’s gonna make a horny movie. (EW) (Also a side note: I had a random desire to rewatch Behind the Candelabra the other day … exquisite!)
I Wont Him: Ethan Hawke and Pedro Pascal are starring in Pedro’s “Answer to Brokeback Mountain.” (Indiewire)
I cannot remember what happened at the end of Holes but they should’ve left this man in that hole I think: Jon Voight wants Biden impeached. (His Twitter)
Miles Teller’s grandmother working harder than Miles Teller’s agent! (Vulture)
Calvin Harris did not summon Katy Perry for Funk Wav Bounces Vol. 2 but fished Justin Timberlake’s number out of the couch??
Cyd Peach Watch
Give me your slime puppies, your fuckleheads, Your huddled sugar-plum failures yearning to breathe free, The wretched bigot spigots of your teeming shore… I think that’s how it goes, anyway. Succession season four is filming!
The official synopsis, via Vulture: “In the ten-episode season four, the sale of media conglomerate Waystar Royco to tech visionary Lukas Matsson moves ever closer. The prospect of this seismic sale provokes existential angst and familial division among the Roys as they anticipate what their lives will look like once the deal is completed. A power struggle ensues as the family weighs up a future where their cultural and political weight is severely curtailed.”
Buried at the bottom of the Deadline item is news I can use … Jeannie Berlin has returned! Our long national nightmare is over: my favorite character Cyd Peach’s return is imminent. And while we’re here: Connor Roy was interested in politics from a very young age.
Tiddies Tiddying
If I ignore the rap verse, “Break My Soul” is a good song. But when new Bey is on offer, I want more, more, more! (That tennis song doesn’t count.)
Bradley Cooper Update
Two weeks ago I put on my thinking cap and tried to solve Bradley Cooper’s blind item, about the actress who said he deserved “the nom.” I believe that it was Isabelle Huppert, but some other suspects submitted by readers:
Meryl Streep
Annette Bening
Helen Mirren
Helen Hunt
Shirley Maclaine
All interesting guesses, but I’m With Her (Huppert, that is).
The Sports Section
Kevin Durant, a Barb, has asked the Brooklyn Nets to trade him. Friday afternoon, Hung Up phoned a friend to explain to me what’s going on: Madeline Hill, of the hilarious Bravo-meets-pro sports newsletter Impersonal Foul, answered my questions:
Tell me about the Nets, because I guess I’m a bad Brooklynite…
Essentially they created this superstar team, like a Marvel, Avengers basketball team with Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, and James Harden. It turned out to be a lot of egos on one team: three guys who, on their own separate teams, would've been not the star of the show, but the second in command. KD, for example, played with Golden State, played with Steph Curry.
But what happens is when you put three people who were all butt hurt dudes on one team? It's just like all ego, conflict the entire time, because they all wanna be like the main person. They all wanna be like the Steph Curry or the LeBron James of their own team.
And James Harden already left?
He got traded to Philly. And then we got Ben Simmons.
And Kyrie is chaotic because he’s so contrarian, right?
He wants to be a LeBron James, Michael Jordan-type team legacy type player, but he can never live up to those expectations because he does stupid shit like not get vaccinated. And he’s a flat Earther.
But not only is there PR drama around him, but there's also PR drama around the Nets front office. To get all superstar players, they traded a bunch of midlevel players who were building up the Nets. They traded all those players away to spend all their money on these three superstars and it's like basically turned to shit.
So now KD and Kyrie are trying to get out?
They're all just trying to leave basically. Now the Nets are gonna be screwed because not only have they spent all of this money for nothing, but most likely they're all gonna leave. In addition, I have also read that Blake Griffin is also trying to leave. He is looking at, I think, Chicago and LA. I’m like, this man just wants to do comedy. He wants to do like UCB, get a half hour special.
So KD wants to leave because the Nets never won. But what about the Joel Embiid tweet?
This is just a hunch, but it’s probably because when all that stuff was happening with Ben Simmons — he was talking shit about Joel and wasn't showing up for practice, was ghosting his teammates, playing like shit. Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons were just like talking shit back and forth. Now that Ben Simmons has been traded to the Nets, he's basically isolated himself all over again. So I'm guessing it's like karma.
For more of Madeline’s sports commentary, you can read Impersonal Foul here.
Executive Level Business Update
Disney CEO Bob Chapek, who devoted Hung Up readers will recall is radically gaffe-prone, stays on! This week, the Disney board “voted unanimously to replace his current deal, which expires in February 2023, with a new three-year agreement starting July 1,” according to Deadline.
Matt Belloni of Puck noticed something hilarious that I didn’t: “And, of course, Bob Iger peed on Chapek’s parade: I’m told it was just a coincidence that Random House picked the same day to announce that Iger’s second book, about “leading in times of crisis and disruption,” will arrive in 2024.” I wish these men many happy returns on their fussing.
Sadie, Sadie, Hired Lady!
Elle Woods screaming “Me!” or Anne Hathaway whispering “It came true.” (Or, for the true cinephiles, Megan Fox and Lindsay Lohan racing down the high school hallway in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.) Lea Michele has been cast in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl, per Gawker.
“According to our source, a press release is making the rounds of theater insiders that announces Michele’s casting,” Gawker reports. “And good for Michele, who has been publicly auditioning for this role for more than a decade.” Michele has done everything but chain herself to the door August (fitting, lol) Wilson theater until they just let her do it. It doesn’t matter that she may or may not be able to read (according to yall, and yes I mean you, devoted Hung Up reader!!) — she has almost certainly been off book since 1986.
Please recall, however, Barbra Streisand showing up to the Oscars only to completely ignore the newest Star is Born and to introduce a clip from Spike Lee’s movie about Adam Driver being hot BlackkKlansman instead? I wonder if this even rises to the level of acknowledgement.
Can Someone Show Tim Allen The Chris Evans Tweet?
OG voice of Buzz Lightyear Tim Allen is confused on the concept of Pixar’s (woefully underperforming, I guess) Lightyear. "There's really no Toy Story Buzz without Woody," he continued. "I'm not sure what the idea—I'm a plot guy. It would seem to be a big adventure story, and as I see, it's not a big adventure story. It's a wonderful story, it just doesn't seem to have any connection to the toy. It has no relationship to Buzz."
God that tweet! That tweet. It will never get old.
This Week’s Sharon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(It’s been a while so a reminder: this is just a place for me to share random things Sharon Stone has done, in only ways that Sharon Stone can do them.)
🫡!
Two Things You Should Click and Read
“There are people who are just from another planet. They have keys to a different kingdom. Sean Penn’s one of them. Daniel Day-Lewis is one of them. Phil had the keys to the other kingdom.” Have not stopped thinking about this particular line from Alex’s Laura Linney interview. (Vulture)
“Andy, will my custom mahogany furniture arrive next week?” This little thing about scam texts is so nuts and fun to read. (Read Max)
The Bless His Heart Beat
Rihanna: Is still somewhere with that man and her baby!
Leonardo DiCaprio: Has broken up with Cami Morrone, if DeuxMoi is to be believed … and speaking of Miss Deux …
That’s all this week. Thank you for reading! I’ll leave you with this: Julia Roberts and George Clooney are reuniting! In a romantic comedy! Sandra Bullock making movies again, Julia Roberts making movies again, Cameron Diaz making movies again … Daniel Day-Lewis, if you don’t get your fucking ass up and work …
One note of housekeeping: I’m taking off next week, so you won’t hear from me again until July 15!
Is Bill Hader climbing the rankings for Most Divorced Man ... it’s scary out here
"If Deuxmoi is to be believed" is a good clarifier because Camila was photographed at Leo's Malibu beach house on Tuesday. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-10966871/Leonardo-DiCaprios-47-girlfriend-Camila-Morrone-25-stuns-thong-bikini-beach-dad.html Deuxmoi just posted yesterday that she thinks they're "back together" (aka covering her ass for reporting that they split the week of her 25th)
Another great post, Hunter! Have a happy 4th!