Leonardo DiCaprio is my fourth favorite celebrity. (The first is Whitney Houston, the second is Ben Affleck, and the third is Chaka Khan.) On Tuesday, he was spotted on location in Boston filming the Adam Mckay movie Don’t Look Up. (Don’t Look Up is the movie that stars the half of Hollywood that’s not in the Top Gun sequel.) In photos, he’s wearing a corduroy blazer, an unfortunate plaid shirt, and jeans. My friend Jenny called this look “had a best selling memoir that turned out to be fake and now I ghost write Magic Treehouse books.” I was thinking more “disgraced political consultant who has to restart his career in a small local election with a lot of dark money attached, but the whole thing is in the key of Schitt’s Creek.” My friend Jianna offered: “The cord jacket really says it all. Mayor of frumptown.” To be clear: I am excited for this movie.
But I am more excited for what this movie means for my Rihanna-Leonardo DiCaprio fan fiction. They had a short, mysterious affair a few years ago that remains my very favorite thing – everything Leonardo DiCaprio does is to get her attention. The only thing Rihanna does is simply not care. (You can read more of my important work on this subject here and here and here.) Is it a coincidence that DiCaprio was spotted on Tuesday, the day after People ran a story saying Rihanna is “dating” ASAP Rocky? I don’t think so! (I also, still, do not think Rihanna and ASAP Rocky are dating.)
The thing about me not shutting up about this unrequited love story is that many strangers DM me morsels of gossip proving its existence. In the last month I’ve received two tips about them being spotted together in the year 2015. I’m not Deux Moi so I won’t write them here, but if I have a glass of wine and you ask me nicely, perhaps I will share via DM.
There is no evidence to prove that Leonardo DiCaprio is reading this newsletter, but there’s no evidence proving that Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t reading this newsletter. Anyway: Leonardo DiCaprio, hello.
“Boyfriend,” by Justin Bieber
Recently, I started watching the Hulu show A Teacher, about an illicit affair between a high school English teacher (Kate Mara) and her student (Nick Robinson). I am mostly ambivalent about watching these two J.C. Penney models tongue-kiss, and it is extremely uncomfortable to watch this relationship and its depiction of grooming. That said, the needle drops on this show are exceptional, brazen in a way that I must respect. When Mara and Robinson kiss for the first time, it is awkward and adolescent. The student mumbles out his affection, and goes in for the kiss. The teacher traces her lips with her fingertips after, surprised that she’s tested the ferocity of this fucked up crush. And then: the first shrill tones of the Justin Bieber song “Boyfriend” play. If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go / I can take you places you ain't never been before. It is a thrilling, disorienting placement. It’s disgustingly on the nose enough to make it compelling. The rest of the show can’t sustain the music supervision’s boldness.
The Obama press tour of terror continues
An unexpected result of the pandemic, and the lack of big-movie releases: a good press tour is hard to find. I love watching a meticulous media rollout, charting how quickly things can go awry or get weird. Barack Obama’s book, A Promised Land, came out only two weeks ago, but the press tour already feels relentless. There are the screenshots of questionable passages floating around Twitter, that line about “snappy slogans” like “defund the police,” … I could go on.
But it all reached its absolute zenith on Friday when Obama, speaking on Instagram with Hannah Bronfman, spilled the beans that she’d given birth. It is so chaotic and hilarious to me: getting to ask Obama one question, Obama accidentally introducing your son to the world, pressing you on every detail short of that son’s Carfax Vehicle History Report.
Succession soon come
On Tuesday, my friend Chris Murphy (comedian, charming) posted a photo confirming that Succession is currently filming in Tribeca. This is the best news I have received in qwhite a while.
Speaking of dads
Ayo Edebiri tweeted screenshots from a conversation with her dad about Joker. I have no interest in making a Letterboxd, but if I had one, it would be to follow Ayo’s dad.
Last year my dad told me he wasn’t going to watch Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker because he doesn’t like how the new Star Wars movies have “all these quirky characters where their legs bend backwards.”
What is your favorite line from the Chance The Rapper lawsuit filing?
Pat the Manager is suing Chance The Rapper. There are many hilarious turns of phrase in the filing, but my very favorite is “lackluster album evidenced by historically low-ticket sales.” (And yes, this is the same manager who called a very fair concert review of one of Chance’s shows “offensive.”)
I have been Going Through It, according to my Spotify Wrapped
The only thing you need to know about my 2020 is that my most played song is titled “I Give Up.”
Tonight I’m watching Mank
The other day I had too much cold brew and realized that Mariah Carey wrote Citizen Kane.
Housekeeping
I’m sorry The Friday Post is coming late to you tonight. In the future, The Friday Post will arrive on Friday mornings.
Bye!
Holy shit! I made the newsletter 🤣🤣
Can we talk about Leo as a serial modelizer? My theory: he is in love with Kate Winslet. They are besties and have been since Titanic. She curses a lot, marries rock stars, and does not give a F. =she is possibly the coolest chick in the universe. Leo dates dozens of models because he knows there is only one Kate Winslet, and he despairs of finding a woman anywhere close to as cool as Kate.