New Most Divorced Man Bout To Drop
The Friday Post.
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Ben Affleck is married again, but his disciples have been busy auditioning for his throne. Having had the misfortune of living in Boston for four-ish years (“college”), I feel confident in making this declaration: New Most Divorced Man boutta drop.
The first contender is the football player Tom Brady who retired, spent 39 days at home, decided that was enough home for him, and un-retired. In response, Gisele Bündchen appears to be quiet quitting their marriage: “Obviously, I have my concerns — this is a very violent sport, and I have my children and I would like him to be more present,” she told Elle recently of Brady’s football career. “I have definitely had those conversations with him over and over again. But ultimately, I feel that everybody has to make a decision that works for [them]. He needs to follow his joy, too.” After years of being forced to live in Massachusetts — *Natalie Portman in Jackie voice* “I don't mean to upset your mother. But Brookline is no place to bury a President!” — she told the magazine that she is looking forward to her next act. “I’ve done my part, which is [to] be there for [Tom]. I moved to Boston, and I focused on creating a cocoon and a loving environment for my children to grow up in and to be there supporting him and his dreams,” she said, adding, “I have a huge list of things that I have to do, that I want to do.”
Whether her next chapter involves Brady, however, remains to be seen. A source told People that Tom and Gisele have been living apart for “more than a month.” Brady took an 11-day break from the NFL in August; later, Page Six reported the couple had an “epic fight.”
And then, I mean, this. Girl. This is the face of a man who has broken his home. This is the face of a man who has watched Marriage Story with a little notepad out to take notes. This is a man who thought “Oh my god I’m going to have to download Raya.” That thread talking about “You think it's a game till you in the middle of 60k people in a panny and she pointing her finger at you all hard rapping Flo milli lyrics” this is that, but like the MAGA version of that.
Gawker’s Allie Jones — who writes the amazing and recently-revived newsletter Gossip Time — has been on Divorce Watch for this couple for quite a while. “In the most alarming sign of an impending separation yet, People — the go-to tabloid for an A-list divorce announcement — is blithely reporting on Bündchen and Brady’s whereabouts with no mention of marital trouble,” Jones wrote earlier this month.
Adam Levine has also thrown his fedora into the ring. The Instagram model Sumner Stroh posted a TikTok of DMs she exchanged with Maroon 5’s tattooed menace; other women have followed suit, saying Levine has been serially cheating on his wife, the model Behati Prinsloo. Levine denied that there was ever an affair.
A Levine quote about monogamy being unnatural has made the rounds. I have to be honest: I have really tried to care about this all week — I have made a concentrated effort to care about this — but alas, I cannot. Adam Levine is such a generic cornball. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t cheating on his wife — those tattoos and the flop music career … this is not a man with sound judgment. What givrs me pause are the people blaming and/or slut-shaming Stroh is surprising to me: she is not the married party in this, and hasn’t The Morning Show lectured us enough on power dynamics?
The cringe DMs … hmm … I mean every man over 30 texts with hard periods at the end of full sentences and nothing could give me more secondhand embarrassment than that. This “golly gee that bawdy” is just regular-degular lame. (And also nothing is topping the utter strangeness of “I love you alive girl.”) The Levine drama is big for the Baby Name Industrial Complex, however: Stroh only posted her TikTok because Levine wanted to name his new baby after her.
But edging out Levine and Brady, in my opinion, is a dark horse by the name of Brad Pitt, who is not wearing divorce well. There is something sort of insidious to me about the way the unsealed FBI report on what happened on that plane ride has not affected his reputation at all. (This New York Times dek praised him as a paragon of evolved masculinity last week!) But Pitt, previously so good at this, has a facade that is starting to crack. Who needs a “genderless skincare line” — retinol has no gender, first of all, and I thought we’d reached a fever pitch of celebrities who clearly use a combination of cosmetic procedures shilling an overpriced vitamin C. And who needs another rich man’s decidedly mid vanity project? I’m watching this space.
What Paying Subscribers Got This Week
Fall is officially here in New York City and I can feel myself getting weaker by the hour. Good thing I’m going to LA next week — a few more weeks of summer for one Hunter Yvonne Harris! Anyway: this week I wrote a little essay about sofas, apartments, nesting, etc.
Something New (2006)
Threads! I did one about Love Is Blind’s After the Altar special, and started another this morning about Don’t Worry Darling for people who’ve seen it!
You Best Start Believing in Worrying, Darling
…But for those who haven’t: I saw Don’t Worry Darling last night and girl … I mean GIRL … I had the time of life. It is the kind of movie that belongs on a Friday night TNT lineup, in between David Fincher’s The Game and, like, Runaway Jury: totally passable, mildly thrilling, Nick Kroll. This is a movie about a good living room and a bad manicure. When Harry Styles did The Monologue with The Accent, every single person in my theater (probably about 15 people totally) started laughing. A completely enjoyable time at the movies, in my opinion! More on this next week when more of us have seen it.
In the meantime, Vulture’s Chris Lee did some reporting on the goings-on on the DWD set, with more tea in a now-deleted Twitter thread:
My sentiment about this has remained the same: the Larries/intense Harry Styles’ stans insistence that Olivia Wilde is the worst person in the world is outrageous and undue. But interest in on-set dramatics — while par for the course — is always present: Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga on the set of A Star Is Born, Tom Cruise screaming shouting throwing up on the set of M:I 7, Archie Panjabi and Julianna Margulies on The Good Wife, and on and on and on. A different conversation, in my mind, is Katherine Heigl complaining about Knocked Up and her career never recovering from it.
*Also: I made a cameo in Meech’s newsletter: “We Are The Daughters of the Darlings Who Did Not Worry”
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Day 56 of No Renaissance Visuals
On Instagram, Beyoncé has linked to a collection of decidedly mediocre Reels — God, ugh — of people dancing to “Cuff It.” It is “Cuff It” season, her bio declares.
However it does not appear to be visuals season because there is still not one crumb of a music video since the “I’m That Girl” teaser! I had the honor of receiving Monte Cassino Middle School’s patience award in the sixth grade but damn!
The Sports Section
Also in the sports world, the Boston Celtics have suspended their head coach, Ime Udoka, for the 2022-2023 season. “The second-year coach’s punishment is a result of an intimate relationship with a female member of the organization,” according to The Athletic. It’s unclear from the early reporting whether the relationship was consensual or non-consensual, but Stephen A., apparently a defender of women, has worked himself into a tizzy demanding the Celtics release the name of the female staff member.
Former NBA player Matt Barnes posted and deleted a defense of Udoka. Later he cryptically posted this:
Udoka is only on my radar because he is Nia Long’s fiancé. Long gave a short statement to People: "I ask that my privacy be respected as I process the recent events," she said, adding that she’s focusing on her kids. But this is what happens when you get a little too much dip on your chip:
If yall don’t get to Congress and ensure a legal right to abortion … what’s next, a Nancy Pelosi email blast about the scene of Harry Styles dancing in Don’t Worry Darling?
The Golden Globes are getting another chance. (Variety)
DaBullshit: DaBaby brags about sleeping with Megan Thee Stallion. I cannot stand this little Rumpelstiltskin-ass man! (The Shade Room)
A research project that requires participants to watch and discuss Birth (2004) — sign me up! (NYT)
Taylor Swift is slow-rolling details of her new album on TikTok with a series called “Midnights Mayhem With Me.” (Billboard) And is apparently not performing at the Super Bowl, despite rumors to the contrary. (People)
I haven’t watched Do Revenge yet, but Vulture re-published my deep and important reporting on why every teen in every movie wants to go to Yale. (Vulture)
The White Lotus returns Oct. 30! (People)
You can be my daddy if you want to: Pierce Brosnan ate these lil boys UP, why lie
The Bless His Heart Beat
I liked this, from Lainey Gossip: An unexpected beneficiary of the Adam Levine drama is one Leonardo DiCaprio. People reports that the Gigi relationship is casual; "I am not sure he is completely finished with Camila. That was a long romance," a source said.
Whatever, sure, alright! He is running around New York City. I did come across this photo a few weeks ago that has brought me so much joy. His preposterous little outfit — a hat and a mask and a hoodie and some damn sunglasses. The 90s never ended for this man!
That’s all this week! Thank you for reading. I had a familiar feeling this week … time to watch Michael Douglas being horny … this weekend I will watch any one of his erotic thrillers, I fear. Maybe Basic Instinct? It’s been a minute. And I might even mess around and see Don’t Worry Darling again … what can I say, a good time is a good time!