Yes coming to you today on Sunday, sorry — Friday a man was kicking my seat as I flew back to NYC, Saturday I had to read this and spiral for several hours about canceling my Christmas trip home.
I know you’re not going to believe this, I know there’s no way you saw this coming, I know everything indicated otherwise but: Ben Affleck has embarrassed J.Lo.
Bennifer has pressed on with their public romance: Lakers games! Airport PDA! A Wall Street Journal profile about “second chances!” But I said, when this all started, that “For someone who hates to be embarrassed, J.Lo exclusively dates men who will embarrass her. Affleck is no exception.” That time has come. While promoting The Tender Bar on Howard Stern, Affleck discussed his sobriety. He said that he drank during his marriage to Jennifer Garner because he felt “trapped.”
He goes on to say a lot of flattering things about Garner and about his kids — that their divorce was mostly amicable, that she’s a great mom, that he respects her a lot, that he got sober for his kids — but nothing so easily digestible as “movie star, drinking, marriage, trap.”
Affleck tends to do this, tends to bring up his marriage to Jennifer Garner in random and sometimes cruel ways. He got that heinous tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes after their divorce, which Garner addressed in a Vanity Fair profile from 2016: “You know what we would say in my hometown about that? ‘Bless his heart.’ A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes.” (That’s also where the Hung Up designation “Bless His Heart beat” comes from.)
Affleck went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to buy it back, if only a little: Twitter, or tabloids, had taken the entire interview out of context. “They had literally taken the conversation that I had had for two hours and made it seem as if I was saying the exact opposite of what I had said,” he told Kimmel’s understanding ear. “It said that I had blamed my ex-wife for my alcoholism, that I was trapped in this marriage — just made me out to be the worst, most insensitive, stupid, awful guy.” He wasn’t blaming Jennifer Garner for his alcoholism, but was he was pointing a finger in the general direction of the marriage he had with her. The framing of this, in aggregations, has not been the most generous, but this is the entire Affleck paradox. He can be saying all the right things at the right times, in the right tone, but there’s something about him that’s a little smarmy, or intense, something like grinning in front of his wife’s Missing poster, that ultimately undermines whatever he’s actually saying. I don’t know why the public has this specific relationship with Affleck, but maybe someone who tweets about, like, “parasocial relationships” does.
Lopez, reportedly, is pissed about the brouhaha over the interview, meaning she’s embarrassed, meaning a man has embarrassed her again.
(Lopez saw that story and told People it is "simply not true. It is not how I feel." But recall that Page Six scooped her A-Rod breakup, so that’s who I’m inclined to believe here.)
On the subject of The Tender Bar I will say this: we, as a culture, need to make up our minds about Tye Sheridan. And: rich men need hobbies and George Clooney is a rich man. Directing dawdling, overly-sentimental movies is literally the least offensive hobby a rich man can have. But I wish he’d get back in his Steven Soderbergh bag!
What Paying Subscribers Got This Week
On Spencer, which I did not enjoy.
Now you really mean to tell me that you can suspend disbelief enough to believe that Kristen Stewart has a British accent, but not to believe that London has a Popeyes? Come on!
You can subscribe here, and if you can’t afford it right now, please email me!
Ariana Grande Licking That Donut And Saying She Hates America
In the middle of a surge that means I can’t spend the holidays with my elderly and/or immunocompromised family, Joe Biden has offered: a fucking Jonas Brothers TikTok and a fucking Pentatonix tweet:
I had to see them so you do, too.
In 20th Century Women Annette Bening said men always feel like they have to fix things for women … Joe Biden was NOT listening!
And Just Like That…
Big died, and if we’re lucky Chris Noth’s career will too: two women accused the actor of sexual assault in The Hollywood Reporter, and a third accused him in The Daily Beast. NYU alums across Twitter are recounting stories of him being a complete fucking creep. His agency has dropped him, and Peloton deleted that stupid commercial.
New Sack Lunch Bunch-er Just Dropped
Olivia Munn and John Mulaney have a son now. Olivia Munn still does not have an impassioned, posted-by-Jessica Chastain defense from Aaron Sorkin, which is puzzling to me.
The Bless His Heart Beat
Leonardo DiCaprio’s dogs tear up his house like Edward Scissorhands, according to Adam Mckay in Entertainment Weekly. Here are those dogs:
This video is also the single craziest thing I have seen in my life! It is haunting, vexing, thrilling, terrifying — however, I’ve been loving J.Law’s pregnancy looks.
If you miss Succession
I talked about the season three finale with Liv Perez on her podcast "Friend of a Friend.” Allyship is this filter because I promise you I arrived looking very busted:
I wrote about being in Tuscany on set of the finale’s final scene, for Vulture:
And last but not least: Hung Up reader Sarah made a horse race chart of all my power rankings this season that is truly wild to watch:
For six months I waited patiently to put Caroline at the top of a power ranking, and last Sunday I got to do it!
That’s all this week! Thank you for reading. Last night I watched Torn Curtain, this morning I watched News From Home.
Affleck's publicist is a phoenix to keep coming back to and surviving his messiness
As long as Barry Keoghan exists, I personally see no need for Tye Sheridan