Our Nation's Highest Civilian Honor

Or: "Julia Roberts’ Iconic Commitment To Posting Grainy Photos on Instagram"

This lede image has very little to do with the post in question but Julia Roberts wearing Off-White — mama was dressing! Photo: Screenshot.

In an act of bravery, I turned 27 yesterday. I’m always in an extreme depression — like, watching The Wedding Planner for no actual reason-depression — in the week leading up to my birthday. I love all the fuss around birthdays but I hate all the fuss around birthdays, so you understand how this has me in a quagmire. But by the time August 9th arrives I remember that I have plenty to be happy about and grateful for, and if I don’t remember any of that then at least I am comforted by the fact that it is still summer. 

Part of the birthday drama is that I never know what I want, or that I never want anything money can buy. For a few years now, I have wanted only one thing for my birthday, from the apex of Hollywood celebrity, something no Cameo-Ushbucks can procure: a grainy photo posted by Julia Roberts.

Like every child born in the 90s, Julia Roberts…