This Madness Must End

Brands are not people and they should not be texting me.

Fran Lebowitz in Pretend It’s A City. Photo: Screenshot.

It is acceptable to receive texts from: my mother (“Gurl! I hope you got a nap today.” — direct quote), my father (“What did Adam Driver do?” — another direct quote), my friends (“I feel like this is too inconsiderate to tweet so I’m just texting you instead” — truly and honestly another direct quote), my handyman (“Hi I’m the gay to check the lick” — he meant ‘guy,’ ‘lock’). I will even extend this privilege to my doctor (“Confirming your appointment!”) and my Uber driver (“Outside.”) and a girl I met in line for the bathroom at a wedding once, and formed a “lifelong” — meaning night-long — friendship with (“Hillary :]).” My work-life balance is, let’s say, poor, so my editors can text me, too.

Under no circumstances, however, should my phone buzz with a text from a brand.