Kylie and Timothée and Selena and Taylor
Golden Globes odds and ends.
Last night I went to dinner with a friend who didn’t watch the Golden Globes — but she said “oh she shitted in the mother toilet and didn’t flush” so much that’s been it’s been added to my lexicon — and she asked “how it went.” I began describing the monologue of host Jo Koy and promptly blacked out. The horror, the secondhand embarrassment, the Barbie boobs joke. When I came to, I heard myself say “and then he made Meryl Streep do ‘Wakanda forever.’” That’s how bad.
Hosting is thankless work, so it’s really lucky for us that every exec in charge of an awards show loves choosing people who are bad at it and also don’t care about it (Jimmy Kimmel, Ricky Gervais, Jerrod Carmichael, Chris Rock). Koy was no exception, except that he was neither famous enough for people to pretend he was funny, nor famous enough to get people outraged in any specific way. His monologue was aimless and sophomoric: a joke about Oprah and Ozempic? About Killers of the Flower Moon being very white? About Margot Robbie having big boobs?! It seemed like the room realized, in small waves, that he was not funny and they didn’t have to laugh. And then he threw his writers under the bus, saying that the room was laughing at the jokes he wrote, not the jokes written for him. I expect this to affect his career not at all, because if bad stand-up were a crime, Dave Chappelle and Ricky Gervais would be in their own Shawshank Redemption.
About an hour into the show, when I started to remember how the Golden Globes have always just been a stage, some trophies, and an open bar, I started to think that this is exactly what the Globes deserve. It’s a mess! We are talking about people who nominated The Tourist. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association was a human black square posted on IG. (It’s the same way Fergie singing the national anthem that one time perfectly represents the rot at America’s core.) Whatever! Who cares! This is a lot of drunk famous people at a work event. I had fun watching along with a bunch of devoted Hung Up readers in our chat in the Substack app.
But there are a few odds and ends left over, some Globes ephemera to discuss:
Kylie Jenner keeping an eye out for Selener…
The headline of the Globes was online speculation about a caught-in-4k Selena Gomez whispering to Taylor Swift (and horcrux ring-bearer Keleigh [pronounced “Kelly”] Teller [nee Sperry]). Selena asked for a photo with Timothée Chalamet but his date Kylie looked at her and said no. Nicki Minaj clearly stated keep an eye out for Selener, and who is Jenner to disobey?
Chalamet walked the carpet solo, but sat with Jenner at the Wonka (?) table (??). I have watched a half-dozen TikTok lip readers and none offered any real insight. Jenner and Chalamet say “I love you” and they know they’re on camera, obviously. I can’t pretend to really be interested in this couple, but I am enthralled by Club Chalamet caring about this couple:
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