Kate Middleton Needs Tree Paine

The Friday Post. (On Sunday)

And now my watch has ended: My final Love Is Blind post (a review of the reunion) went out on Thursday.

Kate Middleton the last time she was seen in public on Christmas Day. I look at this photo and I hear “Where has she been, Serena?” (Photo: Stephen Pond/Getty Images)

Kate Middleton is doing a Gone Girl.¹ Or Kate Middleton is doing a Death Becomes Her.² Kate Middleton is doing a Saltburn?³ Kate Middleton is doing a Past Lives.⁴ Kate Middleton is writing her Zola Story (I do actually want to hear how she and this bitch fell out). Melancholia⁵ has hit Kate Middleton. Kate Middleton is giving Birth.⁶

I don’t know where Kate Middleton is. Do you know where Kate Middleton is? I have heard the rumors: she’s finally tired of Prince William’s alleged affair with her best friend who looks almost exactly like her and refusing to be trotted out as the perfect wife. Or she’s in therapy, or she’s getting her body done, or she’s taking a break before she’ll be queen. What’s certain is that I know where sh…